[ Chapter Two ]

   Click.
   I'm just tired. Driving back to California is a pain in the ass. People just drive really stupidly. Maybe it's the month of October, but this weekend was just weird in general and I'm still trying to sort things out along with the recovering fom the drive thing. Plus what me and Todd talked about was well... for lack of a better word, creepy.
   So what happened...? We started talking about David, probably because I had to write this poem about him, and then actually seeing him and saying hi didn't help things either. Something like that, I don't know. I know Todd doesn't like David-- not because he's my ex and that's how some friends are when breakups happen-- but because of the way he acted with bringing new girls to Copioh and being super-nice to me after the breakup.
   And he said, "You could go out with just about anybody, and why him?" or something, and I just thought that was something kinda atypical for a Todd sentence to be said to me, since he's usually non-sequitur and goofy with his responses. The conversation got really serious all of a sudden because his tone was serious. So I seriously answered him.
   "Because, well, he paid attention to me," I said. And that was really how I felt. "It's like, when no on has ever said they like you, not ever in your life, and someone finally says 'Hey, I like you and think you're a cool person.' It's not like you're going to resist immediately."
   It was really odd because then Todd basically dumped to me, which was cool but totally not him at the same time. I've always known that he was a virgin, but talking to him that night it became clear to me why. He hides from girls with his eccentricness. It was like, I'd acknowledged it before, but this time it had much more feeling. Probably because it was coming from his own mouth. I could feel it when he told me the story about this girl Jennifer in his British Lit class our senior year. He pushed people away in his weirdness because that's what he thought wuld draw them in. But it just made things silent and solitary for him. I couldn't feel bad for him because I knew what he was talking about when he said people just don't know what to say around him, and saying anything would've been really dumb. It's like we're shy in our own glass cube ways.
   Click.

Subj: Hey
Date: Wednesday, October 8, 1997
From: dvance@uwash.edu (Doreen Vance)
To: ILikeBlack@aol.com

   I'm so tired. It's like I'm in class all morning and I work all afternoon and then I barely haev any energy for getting papers and crap done. And then I decided not to go to grad school and then I wrote to Sarah about it, I felt like I was dumping on her. She's weird.
   I don't understand how she worked for a year and lived with her parents and then they're paying for her college? And she's not working at the same time? I kow with her dad owning a restauraunt that her parents can afford in in some way-- didn't she say that she had some scholarships or something?-- but I don't see why she felt that she had to take a year off first. It was like she was saving up money... for what? Her parents are taking care of everything. Even with this measley little job I have up here doing office work for my work study award, my parents barely help me. I sound like I think there's something wrong with her life, but that's not true. I just wonder sometimes. I just think it's weird... maybe part of me wishes my situation was like hers-- except for the snooty people at her school-- that would remind me way too much of Green Valley all over again, and that shit would drive me insane. I'm just glad that I'm at a school big enough where I don't have to see the same people all the time. I'd end up saying something really rude and out of line at some point like I did to people at graduation. Hee.
   I do miss you guys terribly though. I'm actually really wondering when Todd and Sarah are just going to give up and do something. You know what I mean. It's like plainly obvious that there's something going on. Hee hee, just kidding. Hey, I guess it's better to talk about someone else's life than your own boring one, I guess. She's still stuck on David, that asshole. But then, I've been stuck on assholes before myself, so I can't really say anything... I sound like I'm all bitching, but I swear I'm making it sound worse than it is. :-)
   I should try and get some sleep. Love and miss you bunches!

Love,
Dor

   Click.
   Okay. So I'm thinking about what exactly defines me as being spooky. I know I joke about it and everything, and I know it seems like I could be obsessed about it... I mean, really, the reaction I'm getting from Andrea fascinates me. It's giving me ample material for a possible persona for my poems. Anyway.
   I'm into alternative-y things. Music, a smidgen of art, books. I'm artsy-fartsy, I guess. She's a blonde science major. Pre-Med or something. It's like we work from two different parts of the brain or something. She's into makeup, clothes, having lots and lots of friends. She might be Christian, but I haven't seen any religious paraphenalia. Yet. It's quite possible she won't reveal it in front of me in fear that it'll start an arguement that I'll more than likely win. I could be overanalyzing, though. I've talked about the color thing already. I would actually try to talk to her if I knew she wasn't going to be snooty and quasi-condesending to me in every single conversation we've ever had, which were during the first week of school. I don't wear pentegrams or drink or do drugs, or talk incessantly about Satan.
   I could just be too normal for her, which is quite a thing considering the fact that she's all about the popularity. She gets her attention that way. I'm not exactly sure how I get mine. My attention, I mean. Maybe through writing, but it's not like I force poems and stories on people, though it is the best way that I feel I express myself. Sometimes I think I try to use silence to get attention, but people don't seem to get that being quiet gives me a chance to pick up information about people, so whomever I'm with seems to think I have nothing to say when that might not even be the case...
   I'm done for now.
   Click.

   Click.
   Sometimes I wonder why I'm in the circumstances I'm in, and why I have to be a girl in those situations. And be a writer at the same time. In other words, when I'm in fucked up circumstances like my own, be over emotional about it, plus have an overactive imagination at the same time. Not a good combination.
   So yeah, I'm blowing up that conversation Todd and I had. And I'm blowing this up because if he was a girl I wouldn't be blowing it up. I don't know if I'm making sense. Why are things so weird?
   Click.

Subj: Re: Hey
Date: Friday, October 10, 1997
From: ILikeBlack@aol.com
To: dvance@uwash.edu

   You know, I look at things this way: I'm just glad that she's going to college in the first place. I mean if her parents can afford it, that's cool... I mean your parents support you and mine support me, right? It's just she's going to a smaller school than us, that's all, so it's a teeny-weeny bit more expensive... If they can afford it then more power to them... it just sucks that Sarah's having such a crappy time, that's all. I wish she would tell her parents so they might do something about it. Herm...
   Anyway, things here are a nice normal set of the usual college stresses. Classes are okay but my profs are starting to bug me about what kind of psych classes I'm going to take over the newt couple of years... And you know how I hate to have things planned for me. ARGH!!! ...I HATE that shit... and my roommate's getting a little TOO interested in my life... it's like she wants to know every single little detail about what's going on with me. And she's ALWAYS in the room... it's getting a little too Single White Female for me. Which would explain exactly why I'm hardly EVER there now... I forget what my room looks like in full daylight. Heh.
   So are you dating anybody up there? I hear those Seattle guys are real Bohemian types... artsy-fartsy, just how you like 'em, eh? You know I love ya. And me? Well, there's a guy in my Statistics class who is a cutie patootie, but he hasn't said anything to anybody in class yet so I'm not sure if he's stupid or just shy. I might just get up the nerve to talk to him tomorrow. Wish me luck. :-)
   I'm gonna go... I love you!

Hugs,
Kate

   Click.
   Andrea was talking about me again in the hall last night. I thought I was out of high school. I don't know what she's trying to get at with it-- if she doesn't like me so badly she should just take it to the RA or something. And I'm not? Because I'm finding sadistic pleasure in making her feel nervous even though I'm not going to do anything. Plus she gives me inspiration for poetry. And stuff. The tortured artist thing.
   This time she was talking about how I'm this anti-social weirdo chick. It's like she deliberately says this while she knows I'm awake in the room. And what I'm not understanding is the fact that colleges are supposed to embrace differences and yet I'm still dealing with people who can't even try to act adult. This makes no sense to me at all whatsoever.
   Click.

Subj: Yo
Date: Saturday, October 11, 1997
From: ILikeBlack@aol.com
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu

   I'm sitting here in the computer room, bored, and wanted to ramble a little bit.. okay, so I'm procrastinating... like that's nothing new, eh? Well that, and the fact that I think my roommates, like, STALKING me... you know how you don't talk to your roommate? Mine talks to me ALL the time! She wants to know EVERY single thing about me. It's like she's worse than my mom. So yeah, I tend to just kinda stay out of the room a lot and go to the computer lab to have cybersex or something. :-)
   So here's a bad segueway (is that how you spell it?)... DUDE there is this fine-ass guy in my Stat class. He would be cuter if he, like, TALKED or something... but you know how I always go for those silent types. Maybe the psychologist in me thinks I can find out some really fucked up shit or something... heh. But you know how quiet people are... they're more intruiging. Er, something to that effect. And stuff. :-) Yeesh, I don't even know his name, and I even got up the courage to go and talk to him the other day... but I flaked. I'm SUCH a wimp! Can you believe that shit?!? I want to talk to people for a living, and I can't even start a dammed CONVERSATION with somebody? ARGH! Maybe I'M the one who should be seeing a shrink. Or am I just overreacting, as per usual? Big surprise there...
   While I'm thinking about this, what's Dor's deal about not going to grad school? I figured out of all of us she would be the more psyched about going. When she wrote me I was like what the FUCK...? But then again, we're only in our second year, and she can get so manic. Remember that breakdown before graduation? Heh. By the way, you never told me if you were going to grad school... or if you did, I forget. You know how my minor blonde comes out sometimes. :-)
   Jesus it's fucking COLD in here... you would think with this many people going here they could afford a heater or something... you know, to remind us that we're in the outer reaches of academic HELL... but I think I've procrastinated enough. Back to your regularly scheduled crap...

Hugs,
Kate

Subj: Bitching (or: Home, Part II)
Date: Sunday, October 12, 1997
From: 01spatri@redrocks.edu (Sarah Patrick)
To: dvance@uwash.edu

   So yeah... like I was saying... (oh, and there's more on this weekend too-- not much but some.)
   You know how I was telling you about David last weekend? Well, I had a little breakdown this week about it. I know it's been like 5 months since we broke up, but you know how he was like, the first whatever and all... so I saw him at Copioh when I was up there with Todd, and you know how they hate each other. So we just said hi. He was alone, by the way. You remember how he brought a couple of different girls into Copioh after the whole fiasco. It was weird, but Todd and I sat there and talked about David, and relationships and stuff. And you know how Todd doesn't talk about that stuff 'cause he's too goofy to be serious about it. It got me to thinking. David was my first real boyfriend. What if he's the last? What if nobody ever sees me like he did ever again? I know I'm probably just being out of it, but I was really wondering about this. You know how I can get sometimes. It's not like I think I'm horrendously ugly, or lacking in good qualities or talent. I just don't attract people, and I'm wondering why this is, and how I might be able to change it. Or can I? Argh, it's the same old shit again-- bringing up the childhood body issues thing again. I really don't think that'll go away. It's too embedded.
   I guess what it comes down to is that I miss David. I wish I was with him again. It's like I remember things that we did together and I miss those things so badly. And then when I see him I just want to know if he still wants me. Is this even normal?
   I'm going now before I get too badly suicidal-sounding. I should save it for the poetry, right? Right.

Love you!
Sarah

P.S.-- Oh yeah, that little part about this weekend? Just the fact that I sat down with David for two hours and really talked to him isn't really something to write about right now. Doh.

   Click.
   I want to talk about losing my virginity. Not with, like, details, but just the whole experience as a girl and as a writer.
   The thing is, what I've noticed in most first person stories or autobiographies, this is skipped over like it wasn't a big deal. Maybe it wasn't to them, and that's fine. But what the hell ever happened to it being significant? Now I don't mean this in some kind of religious sense because that's not what I want to get at. I mean, this piece of skin inside you is ripped in the name of pleasure. Jesus, I make is sound like it's a fucking FemiNazi rant. Argh.
   What I mean is that when I first had sex, it was a big deal to me. Here I was, ridiculed because of my weight when I was a child, and who had never dated, like ever, and then all of a sudden someone likes me. I had it firm in my brain that I was going to trust the first person I had sex with. And I trusted David. I really did, because he was good to me. He made me feel safe.
   I guess I saw the act of losing my virginity as some kind of validation, most likely to myself, that I was really a girl, really a person. I really don't know what I was trying to prove. Maybe that it was okay to let someone see that part of me. Maybe it was to prove that I could talk someone into it.
   Click.

Subj: Harness that Chi...
Date: Tuesday, October 14, 1997
From: dvance@uwash.edu (Doreen Vance)
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu

   I could say David's an asshole, but that would be too nice. Just kidding, just kidding! Seriously though, I'd be careful about that whole thing. You being lonely plus him being... I don't know... horny, could cause more than trouble than you need right now. Just remember: Willpower, little Grasshopper. And when he's nice to you and you remember the good 'ol days, think back to how heartless he was when he brought that girl that looked like Roseanne Barr into Copioh. Then hopefully you'll think twice. :-)
   Up here, things are... rainy, as usual. And cold, which isn't making me feel any more sunny. There's this guy who lives across the hall from me who keeps coming over whenever I leave the door open. He lies to come in and sit on my bed and talk to my roommate and me while I'm trying to do work on my computer. It's nice attention and all, but he doesn't seem to understand the concept of not paying attention becuase we're studying and we leave the door open because we can. Although I do have to admit that he is kinda cute in that intelligent-too-talkative-geeky kind of way. But I won't let him distract me. I swear.
   And speaking of which, he's standing in my doorway right now, so I'll send this before he sees it. Hee.

Love,
Dor

Subj: (no subject)
Date: Thursday, October 16, 1997
From: MassConfusion@vegasunderground.com (john do'h)
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu

   hmmmm.... potatoes.

Love,
Todd

   Click.
   I'm doing a lot more driving around Redrocks to the cities near it. In the town there isn't much-- the only thing open past 9 at night is Wal-Mart, and you actually have to drive a couple of miles to get to it. So getting on the freeway and actually going somewhere is a must. Right now my favorite place is this cafe called Back to the Grind which is in Riverside. It's basically a bigger, cleaner version of Copioh-- mis-matched furniture, local art on the walls, Goth types and Bohemians alike in the mix. And it gives me a place to go and do work that's acutally out of town and away from the room and the campus. If right now's any indication, I'll more than likely be making my second home here. How fucking Bohemian.
   Click.

Subj: Stuff
Date: Thursday, October 16, 1997
From: 01spatri@redrocks.edu
To: ILikeBlack@aol.com

   I think you should totally go for that guy in your Stat class... I mean, he'll be one more reason to get away from that psycho roommate, right? And besides, if you hook up, it'll give me an excuse to live vicariously through you. Or something like that.
   Speaking of such subjects, I didn't tell you about how I talked to David for like 2 hours last weekend... I know, I know, keep away, but he trapped me and it was yet another opportunity to vent, which was oddly nice. It was almost like old times. Almost, because this time around I acutally know how he's like. And I realized I missed him. I even had a little breakdown about how badly I want to get back together with him. But then it was like talking to him this past weekend and after having that weird conversation with Todd the weekend before (did I tell you about that? talk about *weird*) I realized what you used to ask me about wanting him or the thought of him... and as much as I miss little things about us being together, overall he is just a dumbass. So yeah, I miss actually *having* a boyfriend. How pathetic is that?
   So there's our weekly rant. Heh. That's what I always seem to be doing these days. It's better than the original proposal of getting out that AK, right? That seems to be a theme that from the outside looks too prevalent. The militant thing doesn't make all that many friends. And FemiNazi mode is definitely out.
   I should go.... I've got driving to do tomorrow so I should try to be as coherent as possible. Write back this weekend! Dammit!

Lovies,
Sarah

Subj: joe mamma
Date: Friday, October 17, 1997
From: MassConfusion@vegasunderground.com (john d'oh)
To: ILikeBlack@aol.com

   maybe not really joe mamma, but joe-something. or my-something. or maybe boredom.
   i think my parents want to kick me out of the house, and they can't find a reason so they start making up shit like the fact that i have a job and don't pay rent. now especially when my dad says this i don't know if he's joking or not. he's very homer simpson about these things because more than likely he'll start charging himself and my mom rent if he starts charging me for it. doh. doesn't that just scream knee slapper?
   i've got this itch on my arm that won't go away. i think i was bitten by something during the night. or maybe my parents injeted me with something during the night to try to turn me normal and that what they say makes sense. when that happens i hope you come out from san diego with an antidote. that, and if any girl at copioh starts to look cute...
   by the way, how are things that close to the mexican border? do you even speak english anymore? or do you do what i do and ask where the bathroom is until someone stops to tell you to shut up?
   speaking of shutting up i'm going to do just that right now. bye.

Love,
Todd

   Click.
   Hmmm... I just had a in-the-car-ride-home thought. What would it be like if I'd never gone to school? Would I still want to write? Would I still be at the same job? Would I actually be dating someone else? Todd? Oh god.
   Click.

   Click.
   No, wait... I think I'd probably actually be crazy.
   Click.

Subj: New developments...
Date: Sunday, October 19, 1997
From: ILikeBlack@aol.com
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu

   Drumroll please... tah dah!
   I *finally* got up the nerve to talk to that guy in my Stat class. Turns out his name-- and I'm not sure how true this is or not but it's cool anyway-- is Tristan. Cute guy, cool name, how could anyone NOT want to go out with this guy? I only said hello and commented to him how he doesn't talk much in class, and he seemed a little weirded out by the whole idea of just some random girl talking to him... But, considering there are, like, a hundred people in the class... yeah.
   We didn't make any plans or anything... I was too freaked out of myself to actually ask him on a date. I just wanted to make my presence known and that he can talk to me if he wants. Heh. I'm hoping this strategy will work and I won't have to get enough balls to be the aggressor... er, something.
   Yeah... so I've been thinking about him all weekend... is that bad? I hope he's going to talk to me on his own... sorry... you probably think I'm being silly... I'll go now... I love you!!

Hugs,
Kate

   Click.
   I was thinking about David the other day. I'm not really sure why except for the fact that we had this assignment for poetry workshop where we had to write about a really strong memory and meeting him for the first time was what first came to my head.
   And then it came back to me. I was up at Copioh with Kate. We were going there because we didn't have anything else to do, really. For some reason I brought my Tarot cards along because I hadn't done it in a long time and wanted some practice. And I was reading for Kate, and some other people who were there, and then David walks in and I'm like, "Who the hell's this guy?" and he sit with some friends of his. I'm reading for this other girl who wanted one and he asks if I can read for him. Sure. So, I read for him and we started talking, and... we ended up dating soon after that. I was almost nineteen then and he was, what, I think still twenty-two? He was a good guy at first, a sweetheart, and we talked about everything. But. After about six months and being accepted into Redrocks with a big scholarship, after working bussing tables at the MGM, it fizzed out. I was going my proverbial way and he was going another.
   And I have to write a poem about that. Well, I don't have to, but it was the first thing I thought of, so I should go with it. We'll see.
   Click.

Subj: yo baby yo!
Date: Wednesday, October 22, 1997
From: ILikeBlack@aol.com
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu (Sarah Patrick)

   Are you ready for this?!? He asked me to coffee tomorrow night! Yahoo! Hopefully it'll be all good. I'm SO excited! Yeah. And stuff. More later.

Love you!
Kate

   Click.
   I'm finding that Halloween is becoming one of my favorite holidays. Not because of it's Pagan aspects and the idea of scaring the hell out of people. The thing that I like is the feeling that absolutely everything comes out-- people and spirits together. It's like the one night of the year that they acknowledge each other. The living and the dead. In high school I just liked it because it gave me an excuse to be really freaky. Now I don't have that urge anymore, but I'm fascinated by the fact that as a culture we want to romp with these things we can't see. This year I'll be at home for it, which rocks ebcause I don't want to try and act like everything's just ducky here knowing I could probably be somewhere else. Soon though...
   Click.

Subj: yeah, and stuff
Date: Thursday, October 23, 1997
From: 01spatri@redrocks.edu
To: ILikeBlack@aol.com

   Damn, girl! You move in quick and shit! Heh, just kidding. I'm going to have to come down and meet this guy, just to approve of him before anything major happens. Neener neener. :p Alas, for me, I unfortunately have a lot of dumb jocks in my classes, so I think talking to them would be about as idiotic as trying to make friends with a pole, which would probably say more to me than the bitch called my roommate. (I know it sounds harsh, but even after a couple of months I'm starting to get a little awnery. You know...)
   I'm finding that being home, despite its little dramas, is a *lot* better than being here in California. Even talking to David is better than the crap going on over here. Argh. You know, it's like I make things sound way worse than they are. Argh. I think it's the writer in me. And stuff. Which means I should go try and get some work done. Yeah...

Lovies,
Sarah

Subj: Hey
Date: Friday, October 24, 1997
From: dvance@uwash.edu (Doreen Vance)
To: ILikeBlack@aol.com

   Hi hon... I was bored and wanted to write and say hiya. So what's up with this guy, what was his name? Tristan? Sounds like a character in a book or something. Heh. So, is it, like, serious, or what? I know, I'm a sucker for gossip, but I want to live vicariously through my friends. You know, share the love and all that.
   Things up here have been busy, and I actually should be doing work at the moment, but alas no... procrastination is one of the last great vices in the world. And I plan to keep it alive for as long as I possibly can. Neener neener.
   And I lost my train of thought. So yeah. Hopefully if I remember I'll write more later. Love you!

Love,
Dor

Subj: (no subject)
Date: Saturday, October 24, 1997
From: MassConfusion@vegasunderground.com (john d'oh)
To: dvance@uwash.edu
   my day off and i'm sitting here bored... not that i wouldn't write to say hell under any other circumstances. but then again i usually don't really write under any kind of circumstances. or over any circumstances, for that matter.
   i hear things are busy. hope they aren't killing you up there. here, though, i meet more and more stupid people everyday. but that's computers for you. work is work, i guess. things are okay tho. but just okay. for now.
   um. so things are good? you know you can write even though you might not get a reply. or i could just show up at your door, singing a telegram.

Love,
Todd

   Click.
   I have no idea what I'm going to be for Halloween this year. I don't really know why it matters since I'm probably not really going anywhere excpet to Copioh to hang with people, some who wear costumes on regular occasions, who otherwise find the year except for this particular night sunshiney. And why do I hang there? It's kind of like watching those shows on cable where they show live operations. In other words, Copioh is like TLC: you watch because it's squeamish but it's so curiously random at the same time. Maybe I'll write about it someday.
   Click.

Subj: Hi
Date: Tuesday, October 28, 1997
From: dvance@uwash.edu
To: 01spatri@redrocks.edu

   Hi hon... I'm sorry it took me so long to write back, but everything's just been running me ragged up here-- you know how things get sometimes. I just hate still taking classes that are supposed to be requirements right now... can't I just take classes that have *something* to do with my major? Someday, I will, someday. Plus the fact that I'm doing pretty much gopher work for this student worker job doesn't help things along, either. Be glad that your parents aren't making you work. It sucks all your free time away. And my relatives wonder why I don't have a boyfriend? Hello, I have no *time*!
   Anyway, enough bitching. I hope things are getting better on your end, hon. Are you going home more often now? That's a lot of gas, girlie. :-) How'sit been down there, especially with David bugging you? You should just tell that boy to go away. Hee. Write back soon.

Love,
Dor

   Click.
   Just something real quick before I run myself off the road again... Todd vs. David: what's really up?
   Click.